Part 3: Dad is Destiny: The Yearning for a Father

I draw these words from the bottom of inkwell having just woken up from a dream. A dream of one day holding my very own kids. I mention this as a disclaimer. As I am about to embark in a discussion of fathers and their impact, I would like to be transparent and mention that I do not have any kids yet nor have I raised any healthy kids just yet. In fact, the thought of teaching a child how to become a man terrifies me, as I am unsure, I know how to be one. I am unsure I have crossed the divide between boyhood and manhood. I feel like a boy trying to build a life as a man, worshiping the gods of predictability and comfort. So, how can I be a trailblazer? Better yet how can I judge?

I do not want to judge current fathers as I do not want the measure I used to judge others to be used on me. It is true that some of our fathers did the best that they could with what they received. It is difficult to give what you yourself have not received. Trying to be an image you have not seen. Giving discipline in love when you have not been disciplined yourself, or if you did, it was only too harshly. With that being said, a man needs a father, to show him the way. To show him that maturity can be achieved by a man. We are what we behold. We have mirror neurons that attempt to mirror whatever we look intently into. The importance of a father cannot be discounted.

Dad is Destiny.

The statement “Dad is destiny” embodies both the problem and the solution for the majority of our societies’ ills. In it lies the key to the salvation and restoration of mankind as Myles Monroe explains in his book on the fatherhood principles.

Children in father-absent homes:

• Are five times more likely to be poor.

• Infant mortality rates are 1.8 times higher for infants of unmarried mothers than for married mothers.

• Youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families.

• Youths are more at risk of first substance use without a highly involved father.

• Being raised by a single mother raises the risk of teen pregnancy.

• Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of school.

"This my son with whom I am well pleased."

The impact of fathers here cannot be diminished. A man that fails his son introduces battles in his life that he should not have to face. Even if he did face them, he would have been better equipped to face them. When Jesus got baptized, the sky opened, and the Holy Spirit came on Him like a dove and then God said: “This is my son with whom I am well pleased.” God gave him affirmation before his ministry started, affirmation before any miracle or success. This helped define his identity, an identity that would not be defined by the world or any of his achievements or failures. After that he went into the desert for 40 days and was tempted by the devil who basically attacked his identity. But his identity was secured in what his father had told him.

When a man does not hear from another man that “You are loved, and I am pleased and delighted with you regardless of what you go on to achieve,” he is filled with desperate pain, anger and fear. He is a hollowed man. Constantly missing, longing and yearning and craving for what he did not receive.

There is a strong need in men for fathers, men who have gone before us to show us the way, to show us it can be done. Men are hurting. We feel the loss of a father deeply in our souls. The harder the times we are facing, the less likely we are to be courageous. The mystery seems too mysterious. Darkness is just too dark. The future seems bleak and dark, and we have no hope for it. All because our fathers’ examples did not give us any hope that it could be better, that it could be done. It could be possible to be loving fathers, husbands, virtuous, sensitive and strong men. Their examples taught us that quitting altogether may be alright. Maybe compromising, practicing a hedonistic lifestyle can help alleviating and assuaging the pain of this meager life.

A father example should speak three important messages to their sons:

1. It can be done:

By it can be done, I mean here that a father can show us that it is possible to reach maturity and answer the call to be men. Ultimately though a father does not pretend and ascribe superman power to himself, but he walks the path and shows his son how it is done. This is important. He shows his son that failure does not lead to quitting, that sorrows do not tame faith, nor does he use them to justify hardness. He is a man that gets frustrated by the weeds of life, pricked by thorn and thistles to the point of bleeding. A good father is a narrator constantly telling his sons stories of his success and his failures. He is Vulnerable. He lets his son know that hardship and difficulties are part of life, but they can be figured out. And just like that his son would know that it can be done thinking to himself “I have seen a man who has done it.”

2. You are not alone:

As a son is about to face the darkness and the mystery of life, to avoid being paralyzed by them, he needs to know that his father is still interested in him, that his father is present. He needs to know that his father feels the joy of his victories and the pain of all the defeats, failures and struggles. A good father realizes that his son is refreshed when he hears the words, ”I love you son and I am praying for you.” A good father understands and respects his son's right to make his own decisions.

A good father lets his son know, ”You are not alone. I know life is hard. My heart breaks for you and with you as you struggle with relationship problems, career and family disappointments, you are not alone”. He would tell his son, "I have never told you about my struggle with lust, porn, anger, is this something you are struggling with?" A father does not just talk, he invites. He makes his son feel comfortable to share his struggles.

A father feels the weight of his sons unanswered prayers without feeling the need to rescue him. A father does not spend all his time listening to his son as this may impact his ability to remain objective. If he listens too much he may act and remove a learning experience or be seized with despair over his son’s lack of ability to steward his life. He knows how to rest and relax amidst his sons struggles. Remembering that their life is in bigger hands than his own. This also teaches the son to relax. Fathers that worry show their lack of belief in their sons and gives the impression that they will mess up their own life.

3. I believe in you:

The importance of these words cannot be discounted. I for a fact can remember how these words from my father would get me to face the chaos and the darkness in my life. These words can unlock untapped and unknown potential within ourselves in the face of struggle and difficulty, leading us to take risks. The stance our fathers take can be deeply encouraging or discouraging. That is why worried father teach us what they really think about us, and how they have no confidence in us, and how they believe we will screw up our lives.

Fathers can also send the following messages that will have negative impact on their sons:

1. It cannot be done son. Life is rough, brutal find solace where you can, through indulging and compromising.

2. I could not always be there for you, maybe I was not as present, or as involved. You must understand I had my issues to deal with.

3. Being a man is rough, being a father is tough. I did the best I could, you will see when you get there.

For the men that are facing the pain of the loss of a father the following can be done:

1. Realization and confrontation: It is important to face the fact that your relationship with your father may not have been ideal. It is important to admit that you wanted things to be different and want them different now. It is important to have an honest confrontation and not be caught sugar-coating using phrases like, “He did the best he could.” No!!! You cannot overcome what you do not confront, so honesty here is important. It is important to be honest about the pain, so it does degenerate into bitterness. Face the pain, face the hurt of not receiving the look of a father, the touch of a father, his embrace.

2. Forgiveness: After realizing and admitting to ourselves that the relationship with our father was broken, next step is to forgive and to let to go. Forgiveness frees our hands from pain and bitterness and allows us to hold on to joy and peace and happiness.

3. Showing younger generation that it can be done. I joined and mentored the youth in my church because I believe it is easier to raise healthy kids than to fix broken men. A war is won before it is ever thought, meaning it is better not to fight it at all. Although victory may be an impressive feat, it is better to never have to fight, do drugs, have a porn addiction, or anger in the first place. But one must bear in mind that becoming a father to the fatherless does replace the void of not having a father. In fact, it might make it worse, reminding you of what you did not receive. Although, this may assist in the development of a sense of purpose.

4. We cannot demand perfection from our fathers. Having confronted and released our pain through forgiveness, we are free to turn to the Heavenly Father. We are free to look to his son as he perfectly walked his journey on this earth. A Godly father understands what he means to his children. He is aware of the impact he has, and he is terrified by the damage he may cause. He is both thrilled and scared. Because of his confidence in God the thrill is stronger. He yearns to lead his son via a few words and his lifestyle. He aims to please the father and become a son led by the spirit and pass on his knowledge of God to the next generation.