Part 4: Unmet Needs

It is always intriguing to me that when we want something, especially in relationships, and even as adults, we nag, we shout, we manipulate to obtain it. Why do we remain loyal to ineffectiveness? I believe when we were babies, we learned to have our needs met by screaming. If we wanted food, we would scream and cry. If we wanted our nappies changed, we would apply the same process. If we wanted our parents' attention, we would act out too.

It is not surprising that even as adults we apply the same mechanism, the same process. We simply have not outgrown that stage. We may not have learned how to voice our needs in a healthy manner, or how to meet them in a healthy manner, because truth be told, as human beings, we were born with several needs, but not with the know-how to meet these needs. When we were born some of our needs had to be met by our primary caregivers, and we were totally reliant, and at the mercy of what they would or would not give us.

Some of our needs were and are met automatically and without an ounce of awareness of consciousness. For example, the respiratory system meets our need for oxygen from our environment, without any conscious involvement on our side. We too are born with an intrinsic need of self-esteem that is intrinsic, but we are not born with the knowledge of what will meet these needs and we must determine it for ourselves.

Wikipedia defines a need as:

“Something that is necessary for an organism to live a healthy life. Needs are distinguished from wants in that, in the case of a need, a deficiency causes a clear adverse outcome: a dysfunction or death.”

The issue with needs, the unmet ones, is that it can lead to dysfunction or death of an organism. This means that any psychological needs that were not met, satisfied can severely harm us. It is important to note that needs are not created equal. They vary according to the threats and level of urgency of the need. In some instances, failing to meet a need can result in death while in other cases it can lead to a dysfunction secretly plaguing us from the inside. Death is not always the necessary end, but there can be a serious impairment of our ability to sustain life, making us vulnerable to destruction from many sources.

2 Samuel 4

"4 (Jonathan son of Saul had a son who was lame in both feet. He was five years old when the news about Saul and Jonathan came from Jezreel. His nurse picked him up and fled, but as she hurried to leave, he fell and became disabled. His name was Mephibosheth.)"

Life had been exceptionally cruel to him. He was born into royalty, but now forced to exist in poverty and obscurity. He was the grandson of the great King Saul and son to Prince Jonathan. However, at the age of five, his entire world came crashing down all around him. One day his grandfather and daddy were out in battle and were both killed. When his nanny heard of the tragic event, she came in to get the child to flee for their lives, and in her escape, she dropped the boy, and instantly he became crippled in both feet. His fall and the death of his daddy changed the course of his life.

This is to me is one story, that although physical, can illustrate what goes on within us when certain needs are not met in childhood. It might sound like low-hanging fruit psychology, but often, our parents or primary caregivers are responsible in whole or in part for making us the monsters we are today. I do believe in self-determinism but not when we enter this world. When we are born we experience the world through what our parents gave or did not give us. The initial perceptions we formed on the world and on ourselves is based on what we received from our parents. For example, when a baby cries and no one attends to his needs, he starts to form the perception that the world is not a safe place. This is the baby that later becomes the adult who believes that life is difficult, has trust issues, and so on…

Our primary caregivers may have crippled us by not meeting our need for attention, for validation, safety, or our nutritional needs. And when they did not meet those needs, it felt like they dropped us and the fall crippled us and crippled our still growing legs. In those areas our needs weren’t met, stunting our growth. Now we cannot walk in those areas we were dropped, we need crutches, we need people’s approval, or validation to move us to where we need to be.

This Just like Mephibosheth, who when he was dropped to the ground, lost mobility in both his feet, and that changed the course of his life. Being crippled became his reality and it affected how he saw himself, which we can see by how he referred to himself in his conversation when King David called him to his table to reinstate (notice the word reinstate here, David did not do Mephibosheth a favor, he was simply giving back to him what was supposed to be his) unto him what was taken from him.

Mephibosheth bowed down and said, “What is your servant, that you should notice a dead dog like me?” What is your servant, that you should notice a dead dog like me? Being crippled had now defined him, someone who was born royalty had completely forgotten who he was because some events in his life had transpired; being dropped by his caregiver, he had no other frame of reference than the reality of lameness. That is the reality for us too, our primary caregivers may not have met our needs for validation and approval.

Now we are struggling with how we perceive ourselves, in essence, we struggling with low self-esteem, and that has become our reality. Crippled psychologically, unable to walk toward our own freedom, unable to walk out of the mental cages we have placed on ourselves, unable to walk toward our dreams, unable to walk toward meeting our wants and needs and having to rely on people to carry us, to feed us, to approve of us just as Mephibosheth had to rely on people to attend to him.

Therefore, David meeting Mephibosheth and giving him back his lands was a way of David telling him, you were born royalty, and royalty you are still. Do not let some event define who you are and how you should perceive yourself. I do not know what may have crippled you as you were growing up, but get your land back, and get your mind back, claim back your territory from the shackles of low self-esteem and psychological lameness. You were born royal sons and daughters of the King of kings (Jeremiah). Royalty you were born and royalty you still are.

Leave Lo Debar.

When Mephibosheth was dropped he went on to live in a place called Lo Debar. Here is the meaning of Lo Debar. I believe this is important because this is where he was physically represented, where he was mentally, psychologically and spiritually. Debar normally means “word” or “thing.” The prefix Lo is a negator; thus, the term Lo Debar would mean “no word” or “nothing.” The town’s name is not complimentary. The name may or may not have been an apt description of the town. If it was an apt description, it may have been lacking good pasture, or it may have been an insignificant, “nothing town.” In English we might say that it was “in the middle of nowhere.”

A potential heir to the throne of Israel had now set his habitation in a nothing town, in the middle of nowhere. Worse, I think that that physical location reflected where he was living in his mind: A place of nothingness, and he had settled there not only physically, but mentally too. He had settled in a dysfunctional place; He had accepted nothingness as his destination. See people always say the journey is more important than the destination, I find that is not always the complete truth.

I believe we must embrace our journey because it will get us ready to handle the destination, but the destination is as important because it influences the journey, it influences the route we take to get there, and it influences our overall preparation for the journey. Mephibosheth had accepted nothingness as a final destination, and nothingness defined him. It defined his journey if any, informed his actions, informed his beliefs, and informed his perceptions.

Again, you might have been dropped just like Mephibosheth and you have settled in a state of nothingness, having accepted your dysfunctions, your lameness, your brokenness, your inadequacies, and proclivities, but I suggest you forgive who you need to forgive, let go of what you need to let go of, let go of the gravitational pull of the past that is pulling you backward, allowing you to stay in a state of inertia. You've got to let it go because you've got to seat at the King’s table, which is where you were always supposed to be.